Non-Attachment Calls For A Greater Attachment

You Can Be Happy In Your Back Garden

A Short Story

The more luxurious and exotic, the better. That's what I was thinking when I booked a holiday for my late wife, Cushla, and me to the island of Barbados in the Caribbean. I wanted the dream:  the tropical climate, relaxing on white sandy beaches with palm trees blowing in the warm wind and scuba diving alongside exotic fish in the azure sea.

      The business I co-owned was expanding at a rate of knots, so I thought I deserved the best. 'I need a break. I've worked hard all year. If I pick a luxurious resort, with no expense spared, that will help me destress and keep going for the rest of the year.' These were the type of thoughts I entertained in the recesses of my mind.

     We spent a lot of time on the resort's private beach. Well, Cushla did. She could sit contentedly on a beach lounger for hours on end, gazing out to sea. In contrast, and never fully happy where I was, I'd try to occupy myself with various activities.

     After my first dip in the clear turquoise water, I'd try to read for an hour or so. Wanting the 'ideal' place to relax and enjoy a book, but still wanting to be near Cushla, I'd usually choose a hammock tied between two coconut trees. But soon enough, restless and looking for the next sensation, I'd go snorkelling or for a walk on the beach. Sometimes, I'd order piña coladas for both of us. Not having the patience to wait the half hour or so it took for a friendly Barbadian waitress to bring us the order, I'd roll out of the hammock and zigzag past the lizards and sun worshippers arriving at the pool bar to order the rum-based cocktails. 

   After a few days of this, interspersed with the odd trip to explore some of the island's attractions, I began to think, 'Is this it?' Now that we could afford to stay in luxury hotels and travel to exotic destinations, I felt empty. I looked over at Cushla, admiring her ability to sit still and not want something or to be somewhere else all the time.

She had a sense of peace no matter what was going on in her life, good or bad. 'Do you get anything from all these holidays? I asked her. 'I'm not sure they're doing anything for me, ' I added. I wasn't surprised at her answer: 'You can be happy in the back garden.'  She meant it as a figure of speech, a metaphor and a universal truth. Also, she didn't literally mean that we have to own a back garden  —happiness didn't depend on your surroundings. Unlike me, she was content no matter who she was with or where she was. She was free because she had no unrestrained attachments.

I may not have considered myself attached to things, but I was definitely attached to good times, positive feelings, and luxury. Mostly, I was attached to some nebulous idea about success. I wasn't cut out to be a businessman, but I saw business as a means to be financially secure and to give me the 'freedom' not to have to think about money.

'Attachment is the root of all suffering, ' said the Buddha. I found that out for myself. I had paid a price for my attachment to financial 'freedom', including the stress, exhaustion, having to deal with underhanded characters, not to mention the lack of control and insecurity.

Understanding Non-Attachment

   Eventually, my dissatisfaction, suffering, and malaise motivated me to look closer at the notion of non-attachment. For a long time before this, I had mixed feelings regarding the concept. It conjured up images of people I met who considered themselves outsiders but who were themselves emotionally numb and used their idea of non-attachment as a pitiful or perverse way to avoid the pain of love and the risk of rejection. Instead, it left them lonely and lifeless.

       Reflecting my own attachments and ambitions, I saw how they negatively impacted others. For a start, I was too caught up in my business to see other people's pain. The business world certainly isn't the only walk of life where it happens, but I grew particularly tired of the transactional culture where interactions, decisions, and relationships are primarily based on a system of exchange.  

Romano Guardini, in his book Learning The Virtues, describes the man who is ruled by his interests:

'In his associations with others, such a man does not turn toward another person with simplicity and sincerity, but he always has ulterior motives. He wishes to make an impression, to be envied, to gain an advantage, or to get ahead. He praises in order to be praised. With such a man, we are not at ease. We perceive his intentions and draw back. The free association in which  true human relations are realised does not develop.'

    It makes it all the more liberating when we come across those rare souls who don't act out of their interests. Cushla was one such soul. She wasn't always clutching to get something or manipulating people and situations to get her way. People noticed, even if it was at an unconscious level:

'You have the eyes of God, ' one man said to her when visiting her family home. Like other spiritually sensitive people, he could sense a genuineness, fearlessness, and freedom from her, which stemmed, in part,  from her lack of attachments. Consequently, she was the happiest person I've ever met. As Anthony De Mello*, the Indian Jesuit and psychotherapist who was a hugely important figure in the area of mysticism, said: 'If we could get rid of our attachments, what we would be left with is sheer, undiluted happiness.' He then added: 'The truth is we have happiness already, but attachments obstruct it'

 Attachment To A Higher Good

 Cushla's life of non-attachment was principally due to her strong faith in God. She knew this world was passing, so her attachments were more about loving others and God. She would have agreed with Kevin O'Brien, a former atheist and current Catholic, in his article  The Cure for Spiritual ADD (The inability to stay spiritually focused)

'For if we see Spiritual Detachment from the point of view of love, it begins to make sense . For one thing, Detachment is not emotional coldness. Detachment, like love, is primarily an act of the will, and it is not sacrifice for its own sake, but for something greater. Detachment seeks a greater Attachment, one that is proper and holy. In ordering our loves toward God, we must Detach from lesser things so that we may Attach to Him. And this is an act of the will, not a question of mere emotions or feelings, though of course our emotions are part of the mix.'

Staying on the subject of love and detachment and what we should focus on, it would be helpful to keep in mind what the late Pope Francis said to pilgrims gathered in St. Peter's Square for his Angelus address in November 2021. Urging people to reflect on whether their time is spent focusing on transitory things or 'the ultimate things that remain,' he said:

'Brothers and sisters, let us ask ourselves: what are we investing our lives in? On things that pass, such as money, success, appearance, and physical well-being? … When our time comes ... we have to leave everything behind,' the pope reminded the pilgrims. Then he put it to them what they should invest in:

'The Word of God warns us today: This world will pass away and only love will remain,' he said.